I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
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9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
True
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.