Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
You Might Also Like
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Always
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.