the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
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me when I see my crush
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Swedish for common sense.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
If you need a laugh.. 😅
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
They’re really bad with fonts.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”