I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
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Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
you stereotypes are all alike
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*