When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
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[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I cannot call her anything else now
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
The three genders
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut