[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
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cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone