This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
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As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?