I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
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I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Welcome to the stomach
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Ugh but profoundly
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
But that’s none of my business
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Life hack
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.