My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
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As the best book lists of 2021 drop
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?