I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
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Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Brilliant!
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.