I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
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Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.