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Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
best review i’ve ever seen
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups