Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
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You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
grotesque if literal: baby food
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”