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ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Tough love is true love
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*