Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
You Might Also Like
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.