[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
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OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Wait a minute
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.