Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
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I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
One cake enters. No cake leaves.