Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
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Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
man: wait
time: no
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))