Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
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someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.