My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
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What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Poetry is my passion
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide