When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
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Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
me hitting on a model
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.