Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
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You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
School be like
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.