I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
You Might Also Like
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.