Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
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The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.