I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
You Might Also Like
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in