Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
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The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Life hack
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”