Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
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*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.