If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
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i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Well, this is awkward
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair