If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
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how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.