Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
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Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
sliding into dms like
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.