I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
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Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
$4 #usedbooks
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.