Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
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My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?