i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
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Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”