While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
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“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
He a real one for that
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals