M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
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my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?