See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
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Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?