Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
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Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
if a cop pulls u over play dead
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.