A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
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How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.