Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
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The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
gm
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.