Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
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The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
A ghost story