[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
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Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them