If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
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I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
my dog when i have a friend over