If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
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Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage