“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
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It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
why am I working on Labor Day
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*