barbara was highly relatable
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For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
so i’m at the stock market right
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*