Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
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CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Duolingo getting serious.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.