* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
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Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax