[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
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likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”