If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
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There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
i think both sides are to blame here
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
What number SPF blocks people?
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat