going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
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“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you